i've been doing stand up comedy for nearly 2 years. as a lifestyle goes, it's a lot like being gay, though for different reasons. we don't seem to particularly like being comics, we just can't help it. we are usually social pariahs, have problems finding people willing to date us, our sex lives are considered prurient by normal society, and for some reason many of us are fantastic cooks. when i entered the world of stand up i did so with wide eyed wonder. like a country girl 2000 years ago entering rome for the first time everyone i saw and everyone i met seemed larger than life. and i? i endeavored to do what the romans where doing.

of course, instead of romans i was meeting comics. in bars. and clubs. as worshipful and eager to learn their ways as i was i could not appreciate how i looked to them. mmm, they seemed to say to themselves, it's like a standup comic, but it has tits. i'd always thought myself aggressive, but i hadn't ever just chatted for a while with someone that then suggested that we go back to his place a fuck as simply as if he was suggesting that red was my color. i stammered for a few weeks. at some point i said to myself, hey- sex is fun. i've never tried this. what if the boys (and more specifically slutty comics) are right? next time the attractive feature guy* said wanna get a drink after the gig, i said sure, knowing full well what was expected of me. and to his credit, we did have a great night. we talked about comedy and relationships and sex and california vs oregon and all sorts of stuff. we spent some time talking about my financial and living situation, which at the time were bleak. i wasn't sure where i would be living in a few weeks. (in fact, with a comic)

then the conversation died down and we seemed to look at each other as if to say "uh, i guess this is the part where we take our clothes off" and that's exactly how it happened. not the most romantic setup, but we weren't going for emotional fulfillment, and we both knew it. we were beginning the act when i discovered that we weren't physically so compatible. in short, it hurt a lot. now, i have a back up plan for when this happens, and it has led to a saying i hold dear to my heart. "if at first you don't succeed, there's always oral sex." and so i proceeded to go down on him. this was working fine, as a matter of fact, this guy* seemed almost too impressed. I followed the act to it's logical conclusion and didn't feel like dealing with a mess, which further impressed him.

when i came up for air and looked at him he seemed dumbfounded. finally by way of trying to complement me he said "uh, the way you give a blowjob, you'll never be homeless." i wasn't sure whether to be outraged or laughing my ass off, so i suggested we make tea. he wasn't done. "no the way you... you're a trooper! a trooper!" this settled the outrage vs. humor question. i turned away so he wouldn't see me giggling. (guys- small note here in case you didn't pick up on it: this is not a good way to compliment a woman on her sexual prowess.) after a little more babbling on his part, we finally just went to sleep.

i got up and went home the next morning and never saw him again. but... the story served me well. all the local comics know it. so do the local polys... often we give each other encouraging pats and declare "you're a trooper!" occasionally someone says hey, we're calling each other cocksuckers! to which i reply i have no problem with that. and besides, i can rest assured in the knowledge that as long as i've got control of my gag reflex (and no dignity) i'll always have a roof over my head.

*didn't want to say "mark madison" here cause he might get embarrassed

ambiguous quinn