i did something important recently; i went down into the bowels of my fears with a torch guiding along various people and showing them the sights. "here is the center of my self loathing" i pointed out prickly formation of raw nerve to shannon and yoz. "and over there you'll see that i'm not sure i've ever been right or even interesting." i even took my therapist. "if you peer into this crevice" i explained casually, "you'll see where i believe that the true expressions of me are stupid, that everything i discover is already an easy thing for anyone else." at the end of that tunnel i point out to everyone the pit. "it's dangerous here. if i fall in i may survive, but only if i catch myself on a ledge. at the bottom is the same thing that's always been there. it's a spike that can run all the way through a person- the urge to kill myself." on the way back out i've shown everyone the bar across the tunnel. it is easy to walk under, there is plenty of clearance. "this is achievement. i believe if i ever get above it, i'll be able to close off a bunch of these caves. but the closer i get, the higher the bar goes."

i am not nice to myself. on this point, everyone is agreed. i suppose i am brave. not more or less than anyone else but nevertheless, i get out of bed everyday and i fake it, mostly without fail. sometimes i don't know exactly how i do that. sometimes i don't make it through the entire day without a little lie down. my dad lived in this kind of fear. when i realize that, it makes me able to forgive anything. except maybe, myself for feeling it too. like i said, i'm hard on myself.

my therapist asked if it was safe anywhere or with anyone to be stupid, to not know the answers. any one person who i could trust that much and i said no. and this hung heavy with me. i felt she was onto something; i needed to remember that anything worth doing with worth being bad at, especially along the way. i needed to be ok to throw my hands up and open my mouth and let my heart slide out, and to believe that at that moment the world would not turn its back... that i would still be cared for.

i didn't find that person. but i have, little by little and by tag and bruise started to make that website. that's the purpose of covers as well. to be me, even when me is stupid. even when me is not stupid. i am trying to avoid saying this is my notes, uh.. that's why it's all crap. sure i can do better, i just won't show you. i've spent too much of my life doing that, afraid to express because what if i gave my best and it was crap? what if nobody cares or even looks? i'm trying to drop that now. to say this is neither crap nor art, i am simply stepping forward in a bare place. come what might, even nothing at all.