i'm supposed to be looking to move here.
yoz told me right when i was in the middle of a spat of serious self-doubt: we believe in you quinn, we believe in what you are trying to do... he listed a bunch of names back in london and all i could eek out between tears was: so everyone that believes in me is british? well, he said, we are rather gullible that way. i wondered, but not aloud, exactly what am i trying to do?
my self doubt arises from what feels like a basic incompatability with the bay area. a few hours before this jack was showing me a webbie job and saying he thought i should go for it... i was terrified til i read the description and saw that i clearly didn't quality. i was scared i might have to admit i didn't want a job right now because i'm not sure yet whether i can bear the thought of living here.
in the car on the way to the city today jack told me a story. it was "california's one certified homeless" who took up residence at the juanipero serra monument and just started cleaning and taking care of the place. appartently the community got behind him- they fed him and when the new owners of the monument wanted to toss him out they stood up for him, now he has a small trailer home on the grounds and still takes care of the area. i said well he's not very homeless then, and jack i suppose not, and then:
"he leveraged that one well."
and i thought, i can't live in this culture. the thing that keeps me going is my sense of compassion, and i don't know how people move through their days without it. carl steadman has made a life out of self pity and cynism. he says he's tired of being a columnist: no duh. it must be a terribly tiring way to live, having to leverage everything. having to spend your entire life acting like the universe is out to get you. perhaps it didn't help that carl was my first real impression around here.
i learned about this word... leverage means manipulate. to me that means leverage, like altruism and cruelty, is rooted in self deceptions.
i don't ever want to leverage anything from anyone ever again. not that i don't ever what help, cause i do, all i can get. but i want to take my luck as it comes. i never ever want to have anyone in my life for any reason other than i enjoy having them there. i don't want to be in anyone's life for any other reason. above all i don't want to be a borrower or lender of some weird social currency of control i don't understand.
i still don't know what i'm trying to do, but i'm not trying to do this.